As I'm writing this, the sky is bright and blue, with a golden sheen of sunrise lurking far on the horizon. Some people are walking their dogs, while others are still enjoying a nice warm cuddle of a thick blanket in Melbourne's early spring.

It will be a beautiful and peaceful Saturday, some might say. My friends and I will probably find a dinner spot in the CBD tonight, and enjoy the vibrant weekend night life that makes Melbourne what it is.

I know, the timing to write about this subject is so odd. I understand that.

But I'm a weirdo anyway. And my emotion has decided that this is the best time to write, to express. To finally show the world my inner thoughts, although I've tried desperately hard to hide them.

Okay, enough of me rambling, let us have a conversation about anxiety, and the verge of depression. Just know that this is me confessing, and opening my world.

To you.

On Anxiety

I feel like everyone has felt anxiety at least once in their life.

You present your work in front of an audience.
You are minutes away from a job interview.
You are not under the financial circumstances that you desire.
You realise how uncertain the future truly is.

The feeling when you sunk in the ocean of negative thoughts, and self-imagined outcomes. Then, you get lost in your own thoughts. You can even feel a blockage in your lungs that makes it harder to breathe.

That, is anxiety.

My version of anxiety comes from many directions. It's going to be a lot, so I suggest you skip the below paragraph to the summary after it.

The concern for my family, as I'm far away from them, and seeing time ticking, counting out their existence in this world. The desire to love, and to be loved. The overworked hustle that I strive to pursue, in order to achieve a certain financial security. The amount of cash and assets that I've burned in order to pursue my entrepreneurship dream. The highs and lows I've been through in that process. The desperate attempt to be understanding, to be compassionate with every single human being, losing your own sense of self in the process. The fact that I can't stop thinking about the past, what could have been acted differently; and I can't stop spending most of my time living in my own head, trapped in a cycle of "what-ifs" and missed opportunities. The struggle to find balance between ambition and contentment, between chasing dreams and appreciating the present. The fear of regret - both for actions taken and opportunities missed - that overshadows every decision. The longing for a sense of purpose and direction, amidst the chaos of daily life. The ever-changing landscape of personal and professional challenges, as well as the state of the very world I'm living in called Earth.

Phew, that’s a lot.

To summarise it for you: Family. Love. Ambition. Reflection.

Welcome to my world. Yay...

There are other thoughts as well, but those are the majority that make me sink deep into my own mind. People say that I'm cold from the outside, almost stoic in some ways. But trust me, deep inside is a furnace that continuously burns, and gives, and burns.

Some of those thoughts got a chance to evolve, to grow, to spread, like a virus. And I got a glimpse of the other side of anxiety.

A side so dark, so unsettling. And having seen people suffering and suffocating from that side, I'm utterly petrified.



On The Verge of Depression

Depression.

Such a strong and extreme word. So extreme that it is classified as a medical condition. People have suffered from it; some have even died because of it.

I feel like I'm not capable of writing deeply about depression, as I've never experienced it before, so it would be hypocrisy to do so.

What I can write about though, because it's true, is my glimpse.

I had a glimpse into it. On the verge of depression:

“I see my other self, the doppelgänger born of fear and doubt. This version of me was unable to weather the storm of anxiety that battered his psyche. He stands as a ghost of what could have been had I taken a different path.

He got lost in the labyrinth of thoughts, each turn leading deeper into the maze of his own making. Eventually, he lost his sense of self, and taken over is a spiral of thoughts.

His thoughts continued past the edge of his consciousness. They penetrated further deeply, reaching his heart, his innermost feelings. Whispers turned into yells, drowning out the voice of hope and reason. Now firmly established, these ideas started to coil around themselves with his entire being, becoming woven into the very fabric of his spirit.

He eventually lost his identity, much like a statue worn down by constant waves. The lines separating existence and thought first became hazy and eventually vanished completely. The person he was before - one with aspirations, dreams, and a distinct viewpoint on the world - vanished and was replaced by a depressing echo chamber.

All that was left was a spiral of thoughts rather than a person. These weren't just ordinary thoughts; rather, they were a tornado of uncertainty, anxiety, and pessimism. They continuously whirled, strengthening themselves with each turn as they fed off one another. This downward spiral became his new normal, a self-made jail consisting of walls made of fears, regrets, and what-if scenarios.”

I sensed the human mind's vulnerability in this glance, as well as the thin line separating willpower and surrender. It was a reminder of the influence our thoughts can have over us and their ability to either elevate or depress us.

Fortunately, I managed not to stepped into that world. Multiple times. And I’m eternally grateful for that.

You may ask: “How?”. And I will tell you now, how did I turn my back.

And walk away from the verge of depression.



Stepping Back from the Verge

Before we dive in, I just want you to know that this will not be long. If you want to dive deeper into anything I mention below, Google will be your friend.

Sharing

One of the key skills for great communication is being a good listener.

Maybe, try to be understood just for once. Strive to be listened to.

Just know this: "In sharing the struggles, one can find the strength." - My Mantra.

Gratitude

I learned the practice of being grateful towards everything that makes me who I am today. My family, friends, and relationships. My health. The lively sun. The fact that I have all 5 senses. The blessing of studying abroad. And much more.

I'm grateful for all of them.

Exercise

One of the most underrated activities, for how many benefits it provides by just getting your body moving. Seriously, please look into the science of exercise, to surprise yourself like I did many years ago.

Positivity

Growing up, I've been taught to look at the bright side of things. Because after every storm is a rainbow, and there will always be light at the end of the tunnel.

Compassion

One of the qualities that make humans human. I truly care about other people. I treat each and every person equally, with zero filters, and I try to help those in need within my ability.

Cautiousness

Of course, there will be bad and greedy people out there. After all, the world is not perfect. Keeping a sense of cautiousness can keep you protected, and make your efforts worthwhile.

Trying New or Uncomfortable Things

This is my way of learning, and better understanding the world around me. This can be drawing, fasting for a prolonged period of time, or going on a deserted hike.

Find A Medium to Express

For those who live mostly inside their heads like me, finding a medium to express your thoughts is a great way to relax. Mine is poetry, journaling, and occasional writings like this one.

I think that's all. Basically, this is me constantly distracting myself from the thoughts to feel, to touch, and to see all the world has to offer.

"Well, this is the end."

It's time for me to finish up this oddly timed piece of writing.

The sky is still bright and blue. The sun has risen further into the day. Some birds are chirping outside my window. People are walking on the sidewalk, each having their own stories and emotions.

What a beautiful and peaceful Saturday, I will say.

Anxiety will always be there; it's the mind's natural response to issues. The verge of depression will always be there in your sight.


So, whenever you find yourself standing on that verge, just close your eyes...

Take a deep breath.

Turn your back.

And walk away.